The moment when you realize that you have wasted almost your entire life up to that moment. That instant when you realize that ninety-five percent of your life has been spent on distractions from life. In that moment, you know that tears are bitter and salty tasting, and you know what it feels like to run out of tears. You know what it feels like to hear your very own heart scream and wreath in pain. You know that something is different about you. You know that you don't ever want to be the same as you were before. You hate what you were before in that moment because you were living for yourself. And the realization hurts so bad that you die inside, but the death does not leave you lifeless. No that moment when you die inside to the person that you were marks the beginning of your life--your real life the way it should have been lived all along.
The pain of that moment can only be written by a heart in its very own blood. The pain is not a pain brought about my anything happening to you. The moment teaches you that being hurt yourself is not bad at all. Wounds heal. No, the pain is more potent and more real than any pain you can ever feel for yourself. This pain that I'm telling you about is the pain of love. Not romantic love, not husband and wife, brother and sister, or even mother to infant love but rather the love of God for someone who does not believe they deserve God's love and you feel for them the way that God does.
If hurts to feel love like God does. It hurts so much. It hurts to see people hurting and in pain and to love them. It hurts to know that people hate themselves. It hurts to know that people choose to believe a lie rather than believe God. Rather than accept God's love, rather than accept God's hand that offers help, they accept a lie. It hurts to see people look at themselves and judge condemn themselves on trivial things that culture and peer-pressure do but should not. Only God has the right to judge. Only God should decide who is deserves love.
God has decided who he loves, and He did decide who is deserving. He chose you. He chose us. God has judged us righteous and blameless if we accept Him and the freely given gift. He has said, “Come to me and I will give you rest. Come to me and I will show you my love. I will pour out a love in your heart so much that you can't begin to describe it. Come, let me dry your tears. Let me lift you on my shoulders. Come into my house and let me prepare for you anything you want. Take rest I will provide. Just ask me and I will do for you. You are more precious to me than all the earth, the stars, the moon, or the sun. I even gave up my own son for you a stranger that did not know me. It grieves me to see you suffer. I cry for you. I cry with you. I see your pain. I see you always and I beg you please, please come to me. I have given everything so you can come to me. Why don't you come. Why don't you hear my call. I hear your calls, hear mine for you. Come to me. Come and take my help. Why do you listen to the enemy. Why do you accept lies over my love. Don't reject me, I love you and I do not reject you. I want to bring you into my family. I am a good father to my children--those who seek to dwell with me. I am not a father like any father you have ever known or seen. I am a father who is only loving, I am a father who is love.”
But despite God's pleas for us to take His outstretched hand and accept His love and righteousness, some accept the sharp edge of a knife and the blood of self-inflicted wounds instead. Some take the hand of a cold iron gun and the hot bullets into the heart. Some waist away on drugs and alcohol. Some languish in bitterness, anger, fear. In the moment when you realize that those people and their pain needs you. When you realize that people are on their knees reading themselves their own last rights and God needs your help. When you need to bring God's love to them because they don't even have the strength to bring themselves there, and when you realize that you have not been doing what you ought to be and people are suffering because of it--it hurts bad. When you love like God does, it hurts. It's a deep searing pain, like a fire inside. God's love is burning to get out. It's clawing in every direction. It needs to get free and help. It's frantically searching for a way to hold the hearts of the broken together.
That's why it hurts so much in that moment of realization where the mind meets the heart and the heart is holding God's love hostage. God's love does not leave Him without returning something to Him. It's the most painful feeling to hold back God's love. If God has placed His love in your heart, let it heal others. Let God's love work. Don't stop God's love from kissing away the pain from one of His children when they fall down. Don't hold back God's love. He gave us a gift that is meant to give. If you know the pain that God's love when detained causes, you know the pain. It hurts to do things wrong. It should hurt you to not walk in love, to not bring God’s love and helping hand to those He stretches it out to.