A Change in Pace

The heat of bright summer sun left the air feeling burnt and crisp as darkness dawned across the horizon. The smell of heat was thick and soaked into the mood of evening—a lazy eased back calm. Too hot to be in a hurry, the default relaxed mode was a well-deserved break from the hurry that brimmed in all’s hearts since spring had unfolded its arms towards the sky in months already past. A mellow rhythm of night crickets and frogs steadily droned in an evening that otherwise sat contemplatively and reflected on the year so far. The sweltering heat of the day was the needed forced reprieve from toil that would never have dared be and for that reason was a welcome trial of endurance that only necessity could muster the strength to bear. So within the infinite folds of disposed to-do lists that littered the roads of productivity in the past months, today was marked by a pause, a breath and a sigh that glided soothingly out of the lungs. Like the period at the end of a sentence, so was the day; marking the end of a thought—spring and early summer—but also signaling that more was yet to come. The winding road of summer winds on into the future—but perhaps the pace will be set by sunrise and sunset now.

A Prayer

You my Father are the foundation of strength that upholds me in the day of my trouble.

Your mercy is forever and your grace sweeps away my iniquity from me.

Your tender, nurturing arms enfold me, they lift me up, raise my spirit within me.

Where darkness and despair creep in to swallow me up, when my heart falters within me,

You reach through the trouble and bring triumph to my side and place it in my hand.

In the cool shade of your steadfast light I abide in a powerful peace of heart.

You do not forsake your children in their days of need; you come to them with unmatchable might and make war on their behalf.

When waves rear their heads to push me down, there is calm waters within your harbor.

Searching the full depth of your love is the labor of a lifetime and brings great joy and strength within.

To seek out your instruction is the greatest honor to kings, yet given to the lowliest the low.

Start of a Story

Like hot water percolating through coffee grounds, customers filtered through the Saturday filled store, each as diverse and unique as no one fully recognized. Each one was so confined to the busy preoccupations of his or her own small lives and absorbed with the simple affairs thereof that they did not take great notice of anyone in particular beyond what was necessary to navigating through the bustle. In some ways it was good, necessary to function even, in most ways though it was sad that it’s possible and typical to be entirely isolated from humans while surrounded by them. It’s all very understandable but no less sad; just as it’s very understandable to pick out one cute dog from a pound while leaving fifty more to suffer the fate of ugly dogs. Understandable it may be, but ideal—far from it.

Amid the maze of walled off hearts that occupy a large busy store, there is always a few outliers that toe about. It’s very possible—even likely—that in a given store at a given time, those outliers will not meet, or if by chance they would meet, that no really noteworthy exchange would occur. If by rare chance those who are open and living in the world—all of the world rather than mentally distant and partitioned away—then there is the very real possibility that something important can happen. Of course there is no guarantee that something important will happen, there is merely the possibility. Anything can happen from big events like meeting your new last name to the small events like discovering a way to remove paint from carpet using Saddle-soap. Of course those are only some positive outcomes that could result from being open and aware of people; the other side of the coin of course is that being open means being open to the possibility of the negatives. There is always a trade-off and a risk to anything. I would submit that it is worth the risk, many disagree with however.

On one particular day, contrary to probability’s stance that mundane is a standard that overwhelms the hope of the atypical like a daisy is overwhelmed by a landslide, two particular outliers just so happened to engage one another. What follows is the interaction between those two which I have taken the liberty to transcribe as an unbiased, third-party bystander. I have also set forth what I believe is an accurate narration of the event, though it is surly filtered through the bias of my perspective. I have taken no simple liberties and maintained a strong grasp of the honest presentation of this event with the intent that while showing this face without any makeup and looking into the eyes of a possible reality that exists for some and is waiting to be made by others, the truth that good rests not fare from reach within the average day will be realized.

Risking Regret

I’m just going to say it, let the weight of my heart convey it

Spill everything out and just hope that you don’t betray it

Maybe it’s what you want to hear, or maybe it’s a living fear

No matter what happens now, at least you were here

I hope you don’t run away, suddenly run out of anything to say

Leave me in yesterday, pick up and run the other way

Love is about risking regret, sometimes driving a reckless heart right into the sunset

And give and take, and taking nothing but bad and giving up what we had

Even about being willing to be truly be mad at me

Look out for me, stop and see when there’s something sad in me

Being able to find forgiveness as fast as tears can rebound

Getting lost in the good that’s made, made to be found

So please excuse me for choosing you for everyday

You have the power to shake me and misuse me in every way

The pain of losing something is at least filled with memories

And that’s gain compared to pain of feeling only misery 

I’m brave enough to tell the truth, face the tidal wave

Look you in the eyes and say the words I’ve tried to save

I love you so much more than I thought I ever could

I love you so much that I can’t ignore it even if I should

A Memory of You and I

It was a time outside of time, and so it was neither the best nor the worst of times. I can’t say where it fits within the many frames of moments that fill a life because it is not included in the frames. There is nothing to compare what it was to what other things are—it was different from them all—and so one of a kind.

It may be difficult to say exactly what it was or when it was, but I can tell you where it was. It was between my heart and yours. It was a feeling that transcended all others ever felt before. The world, the wind, the very moment that it occurred within, were all whisked away and dissolved into a distant background to the timeless unique moment. The moments that preceded the feeling were just normal moments. But then, every single moment up to that event if compared to it are really nothing at all. That is why it does not fit into the category of moments. It’s not fair to every other moment to make them compete with something that has no counterpart to compete with. Looked at by themselves, the moments around it were actually very good moments. I’m not trying to say that the preceding moments were bad. No, the preceding moments deserve credit for being truly good moments as far as moments are considered.

But that is all just a side-step from what this is all about. I don’t want to get distracted by moments. There is a time and a place to talk about the many moments that fill the albums of life, but I don’t wish to speak about those now.

I want to tell you about the time outside of time that the above paragraph was just a momentarily distraction from. The time outside of time. Yes. That is what you need to know about. I’ve never experienced a timeless moment in time before. And I had only ever hoped to dream about them. I thought that the dream of the experience would be as close as I could ever hope to get to anything so close to perfect. But, sometimes good things happen when unexpected—a truth for which I am indebtedly grateful to. Someday I wish to thank in person who is responsible for such things, but again, that is a thing for future time.

It’s difficult to talk about the time outside of time. It’s really a contradiction of all that is familiar. Because it is a one of a kind, kind of event, I think that it deserves its own set of words to describe it to you. I think that I should write a whole new language just to describe it to you. But I can’t always do the ideal as much as I would love to and as much as this timeless moment deserves it, I can’t. But I will do my very best. Maybe I will even do a bit better than my best. I shall try with all of my capacity that there is to offer.

I said at the beginning that the time outside of time occurred between us. That it did! Yes, at the time I didn’t know it or expect it. Everything was just like it always is. But then, I came around the corner and you were there. Even then, I didn’t realize that there was anything special happening. At first, you were just one of many people that filled a busy street. There were people everywhere. It is always difficult to see just one person out of a crowed for me. If there were a way to measure the probability of you and I out of all of them, the numbers would scold the thought of you and I. But, the moments outside of moments was larger than anything numbers could ever pretend to express.

It was not me, that I know. There was no reason that me being my normal me would ever have been enough. There was something big at work. I came around the corner, and you did too. In the hundreds of other times that I had ever gone around a corner and done the very same thing, I always would have just side-stepped without even looking at who I was sidestepping around, but not in that instance. For whatever reason, I stopped. Just forgot about everything.

You came around the corner too. You could just as easily sidestepped me as I was likely to sidestep you. Just keep on walking from point A to point B and never known that you were stepping around a once ina history timeless moment. You could have done the same thing as usual, but you looked right into my eyes that were looking right into your eyes. You and I. Two paths didn’t cross, they did not merge, they ran right into each other. Our eyes met and for me it was as though our futures collided so perfectly that they perfectly melded together.

That is when the timeless moment happened where my love that had been waiting found its heart. Right there in the middle of so much, you and I. Right there where no one ever expects to find love. You and I.

That is what it was from my perspective. There was me stuck in the middle of life that moved on day by day, hour by hour. Then there was there on the corner. You and I. That is my perspective on us meeting. I don’t know if that is the way you felt on that day. Looking into your eyes right there was looking into infinity. I knew what you would say, but I asked anyway. Conversation and laughter came as easily, but it was unnecessary. Everything That needed to be said could be said in a look, a smile, or a glance into each other’s eyes. From then on, every single day even when I have forget to say it, I still remember us. I still remember there. I still remember where. I remember the details. I remember the color of your hair as the sun touched a few strands, I remember the way the wind tossed it after you ran your fingers through it. I remember the smell of the market booths along the sides of the streets. I can remember the red dress that you wore swayed and danced in the breeze like flame around your legs. I can replay it in my head and count the number of times you blinked. I think I can even hear the sound of my breath leaving me as I saw you for the first time. But I can’t remember the time, just the timelessness of it.

Many years have come and gone, but that memory where you and I met and stepped forward from there together, I’ve not forgotten. After all these years together, you and I is still the sweetest memory—a memory that we are still making every day. A memory of joy and tears and pain and hope and laughter and love. A memory of life and forgiveness. A memory of you and I.

Commit to Hope

Could-be is always just a decision or two away; it just takes committing enough hope to it and opening yourself up to the disappointment of not getting it to the point where you reach for it with enough energy, focus, action to get it. Doubt, a form of fear, is one of the strongest producers of regret; it works to push away the convicting passion that will drive us into the arms of achievement. It separates us from our goals by weakening us to not go all-in for what we are wanting, and most all important things require an all-in or all-out attitude to ever be accomplished in full. So, in order to exchange could-be for is we must root out our doubt and commit fully to what we want in hope and effort until we have it. Double-minded is doubly ineffective. 




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